doctornerdington:

nineprotons:

stultiloquentia:

Why stop at embarrassing Mr. Darcy when we can embarrass ALL the Austen heroes? I ask you.

SIR JAMES MARTIN: “Oh, is that why it pops up like that? How jolly!”
REGINALD DE COURCY: No, but it was an accident.
EDWARD FERRARS is a virgin on his wedding night on a technicality.
COLONEL BRANDON, soldier, is not. And the less we inspect the Eliza timeline the better.
GEORGE KNIGHTLEY is demisexual; doesn’t think about it much until, out of the blue, he’s staggeringly jealous of Frank Churchill.
HENRY TILNEY was a benignly thoughtless fellow at university, who figured knowledge was better than ignorance, and pleasanter too.
SIDNEY PARKER gets scooped up, to the envy of his friends, by a celebrated Drury Lane grande dame, who deflowers him expertly, but realizes in the process that the poor lad’s bent as a nine bob note. Unperturbed, she gives him the address of a discreet, exclusive molly house, which he never visits.
FREDERICK WENTWORTH….It will not become us to speculate on what consolations Frederick Wentworth may have found upon leaving Somersetshire, in the year six.
CHARLES BINGLEY:

Stulti: Am finally typing out answers to Lis’ “Which Austen dudes are virgins?” ask. Am stuck on Bingley. Feel like weighing in, Samwell Women’s Hockey chat?
Lis: I was in the middle of typing something wishy-washy when the question “Does public-school gayness count?” hit me like a thunderbolt. It wasn’t Darcy; it’s over now; BUT IT WAS REAL WHILST IT LASTED.
Stulti: OH MY GOD
Lis: RIGHT?
Lis: HE. HAS. LOVED. BEFORE.
Stulti: HE CERTAINLY HAS.
Stulti: And if it’s just fagging, it totally doesn’t count. Hardly registers. Bisexual, who, me? Haa
Lis: probably an upperclassman he adored
Stulti: (And still makes things go considerably better for Jane on her wedding night.)
Stulti: YES.
Stulti: Lord Somebodypumpy
Stulti: Absolute whip
Lis: Capital fellow
Stulti: I’m transcribing this for Tumblr
Lis: Oh yes

FITZWILLIAM DARCY has barely kissed a girl in a parlour game. He grew up into awareness of his own power and responsibility in lockstep with his awareness of his own sexuality: he’s too moral to seduce a servant, too fastidious for a prostitute, too wary of gossip and entrapment even to flirt within his social circle. One of his odd blind spots is that he’s far more aware of, and progressive about, issues of consent with regard to servants and dependents than with members of his own class, but on that subject Elizabeth is well able to school him. He comes to her with a certain amount of academic knowledge courtesy of Pemberley’s small erotica collection, alongside whatever bawdy nonsense he’s unavoidably overheard from peers, and between those and Elizabeth’s aunt’s kind matter-of-factness, they certainly could be worse off.
EDMUND BERTRAM approaches his wedding bed the dubious beneficiary of two wildly different lectures from Sir Thomas and Tom that, put together, succeed in leaving him flatly mystified. Mansfield Park has no secret library that he knows of. Fanny, meanwhile, has been advised by her aunt to lie back and think of England, but, given recent events, she’s sure there’s more to the matter.
HENRY CRAWFORD. Yikes.

@doctornerdington idk I just thought of you with these.

I am so utterly tickled. ❤️